Really Ridiculous Rankings – Quarterbacks

The Fantasy Assembly rankings are awesome. Clearly they have been well researched and will serve you well in your draft room. but they are missing one thing…absurd commentary. Let’s take a look at how the experts ranked this years class of QBs.

1. Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers
Reasons why Aaron Rodgers is a better choice than Tom Brady:

  • Superior facial hair.
  • Funnier commercials. Mark my words, there will be a CBS comedy starring Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews called Offsides.
  • A lot more time to focus on football after split with Olivia Munn.

2. Tom Brady – New England Patriots
I reluctantly admit that he’s pretty good.

3. Russell Wilson – Seattle Seahawks
Do you understand the level of talent required to throw accurately while on an all-out sprint away from your receivers while screaming expletives at your porous offensive line? Well, Russell does. If he has any time at all to throw this is a solid choice.

4. Cam Newton – Carolina Panthers
I think they meant Deshaun Watson. Honest mistake, the spellings are so similar.

5. Drew Brees – New Orleans Saints
Brees was really good last year, it’s not his fault that Alvin Kamara kept breaking off 106 yard returns, 74 yard rushes and stealing all the TDs.

6. Deshaun Watson – Houston Texans
I won’t begrudge anyone who has Deshaun Watson lower than this, some people still insist the Earth is flat.

7. Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions
The smile you get from saying that your fantasy QB plays in Jim Bob Cooter’s offense is worth this ranking, if not a higher one.

8. Kirk Cousins – Minnesota Vikings
For everyone who watched Case Keenum last year and said, “I could be a great quarterback if I had Diggs and Thielen to throw to,” No you couldn’t. Unless it was Kirk Cousins who said it because then it should be true.

9. Carson Wentz – Philadelphia Eagles
If you have the choice to bet on or against a guy who hunts with Mike Trout and gave his O-line shotguns for Christmas it feels safer to bet on him.

10. Andrew Luck – Indianapolis Colts
A guy who hasn’t thrown a football in a meaningful game for nearly two years, an iffy running game, and touchdown pass swatter extraordinaire Eric Ebron as the best new offensive weapon, what could possibly go wrong?

11. Ben Roethlisberger – Pittsburgh Steelers
Don’t think of it as drafting a 36 year-old QB who is on the downslope of his career. Think of it as drafting the football delivery system to Antonio Brown and Juju Smith-Schuster

12. Jimmy Garrapolo – San Francisco 49ers
Jimmy G is beloved by women around the world and is the face of the 49ers franchise – he doesn’t need praise from me.

13. Phillip Rivers – Los Angeles Chargers
Insert contractually obligated joke about Phillip Rivers not being able to focus on football because he has like 15 kids. Some people would rise to the occasion and write something clever here instead of going for the cheap line, I know I would have if I was wittier.

14. Patrick Mahomes – Kansas City Chiefs
If there is one thing Andy Reid is great at it’s getting BBQ sauce out his glorious mustache. If there are two things that Andy Reid is great at they are getting sauce out of that stache and helping QBs reach their true potential. This could be a steal.

15. Matt Ryan – Atlanta Falcons
It’s hard to put a whole lot of faith in a QB and an offensive coordinator who can’t figure out how to get Julio Jones the ball in the red zone.

16. Jared Goff – Los Angeles Rams
It’s pretty lazy to rank a guy 16th just because he wears number 16.

17. Marcus Mariota – Tennessee Titans
If you need some instability in your life…here you go.

18. Alex Smith – Washington Redskins
I feel like every stat I hear about Alex Smith has a 50/50 shot of being completely made up. Who is gonna care enough about him to check? He’ll be solid but unremarkable again.

19. Dak Prescott – Dallas Cowboys
Dak should have plenty of time every play to drop back, go through his progressions and realize he doesn’t have a single decent receiver on his team.

20. Derek Carr – Oakland Raiders
It’s not often that someone who was an MVP candidate just two seasons prior slips this far in the rankings. Then again it’s not very often that a number one wide receiver drops as many balls as Amari Cooper.

21. Eli Manning – New York Giants
Even down here this seems optimistic.

22. Mitch Trubisky – Chicago Bears
There’s a reason the Bears traded away a king’s ransom to get this guy. It must not have been a very good reason or he would have been ranked higher.

23. Jameis Winston – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Even if it is just fantasy football do you really want this guy in your digital locker room?

24. Blake Bortles – Jacksonville Jaguars
Remember when Blake had upside? Good times.

25. Andy Dalton – Cincinnati Bengals
No shame in being last, big guy.

Jake Blodgett

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Like most of you I am addicted to fantasy baseball. Since I spend most of my time talking about it, I figured I would write some of my thoughts down. I am a shameless promoter of Mike Trout and an even more shameless Shohei Ohtani apologist.